IIT Madras Students Caught Using Condoms: Threat to National Security?
Listening to the National Anthem, high on Yogi Adityanath quotes, with fluids of uncanny nationalism flowing through his veins, the Dean, Students Office was like, “SEX!”.
Assistant: Sir, I don’t mean to interrupt your brainstorming session, but um, it’s 10:30 AM.
Dean: It’s SEX!
Assistant: I know it’s sex, and I too think it’s awesome. But you gotta attend a meeting in like 10 minutes. So unless you’re a virgin…
Dean: *stares in anger*
Assistant: Oh no. Oh no. Sir, I’m really sorry. I’d never intentionally hit where it hurts. But since we’re now talking about it. I, uh, know a hooker. Say 9ish tonight? It’s gonna be…
Dean (interrupting): It’s sex that’s destroying our great Indian culture. We need to do something about it here at IIT-Madras. *silence* Also, uh. The hooker situation. We’ll come back to that later.
Assistant: So what are we gonna do about it?
Dean: We need to stop IIT-M students from having sex.
Assistant: Sir, I’m all for that. But uh, a virgin walking on people having sex… I think it’s gonna be more awkward for you than it’d be to them.
Dean: Awkward? Why?
Assistant: Standing in the room where you’re the only one dressed, I don’t think you’d wanna have the depressing realization that your 20s, by any means, weren’t awesome.
Dean: You think they’d be considering the bleakest of odds of me showing up?
Assistant: I think they have taken that possibility into account. Because well, that’s probably the reason they use condoms.
Dean: Condom? But that thing is used to avoid unwanted pregnancies.
Assistant: Well, they also use it to prevent STDs from showing up.
Dean: I think the idea of barging in while they’re having sex is too risky. If I barge-in, it’d technically be a threesome, which is indisputably against the Indian culture. I better think something else.
Assistant: Let’s just put it this way. Last time I watched titanic, I didn’t claim to be a part of the cast.
Dean: …So. Students here having sex huh. I.. I… I.. I tell you what. We go and find used condoms in their dustbins.
Assistant: I know that everything you own is either second hand, or is bought from an off-season sale. And I know you’re excited about tonight. I hate to break this to you, but I really think you should get a new condom.
Dean: No. I’m talking about figuring who’s having sex by digging through their dustbins and spotting used condoms. ..Also. Uh. The need to buy condoms. We’ll come back to that later.